16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
- People who want to share their religious or political views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
- You should not confuse your career with your life.
- Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
- Never lick a steak knife.
- The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
- You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
- There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
- A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
- Your friends love you anyway.
- Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
- There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of
what to do with them.