Detective Diaper's harrowing adventure

By STEVE ROSE • Saturday, April 23, 2005, 07:29 AM
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Mothers of the world, Id like you to know that Ive renewed my membership in your fan club.

Last weekend my oldest daughter wanted a break in the action, so my 16-month-old grandson was a guest at our home. Before last weekend, all visitation with my grandson was supervised by his mother. All maintenance duties were taken care of. This left me free to frolic with him until I smelled trouble. At the first hint of problems his mother would take him inside and return him fresh again. My grandsons name is Fischer. Hes an adorable child who loves to walk and talk baby-talk.

Saturday was spent hitting some garage sales. That night Fischer went to bed around 8 p.m. and he slept like a log all night. I started thinking that this grandparent thing was a piece of cake. My wife was on call Sunday and, unfortunately for all of us, she was called in early Sunday morning. The last thing she said to me was "You sure youll be OK?"

My last words: "No problem."

I fixed a nice breakfast of eggs and bananas for my grandson and then sat down to read the paper and have some coffee. I asked my 13-year old son and his buddy, who spent the night probably for the last time, to follow Fischer around for a while until I could read a bit and then Id take it from there.

Cody, my son, came into the room with a look on his face usually reserved for witnessing things like a train wreck or a Hawks game. "Fischers got a load," Cody announces like Paul Revere riding through the den on his way out of town. We all knew this time would come sooner or later. I thought I was prepared for it, because from what I remember, you get the baby wipes and a new diaper and a couple of minutes later youre done.

As I picked Fischer up I was hit with the smell so bad a cadaver dog would surely hit on it. Cody, being the good son, stayed with me as I held my grandson all the way out as far as I could get him from my body. "Damn these short arms!" I yelled as we ran down the hall toward the diaper bag on my bed. We got him on the bed and as I began the operation I couldnt believe anything could smell that bad!

It is an understatement to say that I was not prepared for the sight of what I would later describe as pure evil.

I yelled for Cody to get the orange traffic cones and to warn the others. He gave me a look like I was the last man left on the Titanic. He saluted me, then disappeared out the door, slamming it loudly.

When a child does their morning business it puts them in a good mood. This was evident to me because Fischer was smiling, flapping his arms around, talking and now kicking! Stop kicking!! Stop kicking please!! Oh for the love of……..just stop kicking!!!

I was on my fourth baby wipe and now seriously considering calling the FEMA Haz-Mat team in because I wasnt sure I had many wipes left.

My cell phone rang. It was my wife.

"Hi, hows everything going there?" She recalled later that she thought I was speaking in tongue for a second before hanging up.

My cell phone rang again. Cody was on the other end calling from our neighbors house and wanting to know if he could live with them from now on. "Coward!" I yelled into the phone. I could hear my dog barking on the phone. "Cowards!!" I yelled.

Eventually, it was over. It took 17 baby wipes, two towels and one fire truck but we won. Later, as we sat out in the back yard watching the diaper burn, I looked over to my grandson who was sitting there totally content and happy.

This made me happy. We were all happy and content. It was a nice moment.

Cody eventually returned home and as the three of us sat in the back yard watching the fire, Cody asked, "How long before the next one?"

It was time to head to the store for more baby wipes and traffic cones.