Goldilocks and the Three Bears
Proposal: To subdue, collar and observe the daily activities of certain bears, living in human-like conditions, on federal land in Enchanted Forest, Calhoun County, Wyoming.
Background: While on a separate study concerning the effects of TNT blasts on lake and brook trout in Yellowstone National Park, the grant applicant learned of legends surrounding a family of bears that lived in a house, wore clothes and ate porridge, among other human traits. The family consisted of a "Papa" bear, a "Mama" bear, and a "Baby" bear (although this last bear was huge compared with the other two, its youth was inferred by its choice of music and lack of hygiene habits).
Others had heard of this situation for years but ascribed it to local lore spread by tourism promoters and apocalyptic cults. The applicant decided to investigate for herself. Initial observations confirmed existence of the bear family, living in what could only be described as a cross between a storybook chalet and a sitcom ranch-style house. Their living habits seemed very regular, especially their habit of always overcooking their food and taking walks to allow it to cool off (behavior reminiscent of, but more complex than, raccoons washing their food or coyotes ordering rockets and hot-air baloons through the mail).
Applicant proposes to study and interpret the lifestyle habits of this anthropomorphic family of bears in three phases:
Phase One involves lacing their porridge with a (preferably) non-lethal mixture of narcotics or other motor-relaxing drugs.
Phase Two requires affixing radio collars to each bear that would allow researcher to monitor the bears' movements via satellite and portable ground sensors. Other equipment needed during this phase includes steel traps, snares, shark cages, stun grenades, tasers, etc., to ensure safety of researcher.
Phase Three involves surveillance, recording and publishing findings, as well as intimidating, libeling and otherwise harassing anyone (such as bleeding-heart animal rights activists) who would get in the way of the research.
The applicant would like to gratefully acknowledge the assistance of the Interior Department with other studies, and assure the Department that all lawsuits arising from them have been settled in some way or other.